Half-Assing the Ice Cubes

My wife and I didn’t purposefully set out to manage our reputations so the end result would be a critical mass of reasonable people left with a favorable impression. But it happened.

In recent years, married couple back-and-forth verbal repartee evolved into a semi-public thing. When posted to social media under the heading of “an actual conversation,” they became verbal snapshots of a marriage and have sort of taken on a life of their own. Here’s a year-end look back at the best of 2024.

Jackie: “Can you go to the Sporting KC game with me Saturday?”

Mike: “Surely. Do we have to schmooze?”

Jackie: “A little bit. Yes.”

(to enjoy a book together, I often read aloud when we hit the rack)

Mike: “Early impressions of the new Johnny Carson bio?”

Jackie: “I like it, but when you’re sleepy, you’re hard to follow because your sentence structure gets a little wonky. There were no periods.”

Jackie: “You’re impossible.”

Mike: “Not impossible, just occasionally difficult.”

(sandwich prep)

Mike: “...and a couple of olives on a toothpick stuck into the top.”

Jackie: “You can stick your own olives.”

Jackie: “You can just trust me and not micromanage.”

Mike: “It’s not micromanagement, it’s curiosity.”

Jackie: “Keep tellin’ yourself that.”

(encountering what was assumed to be a specialized women’s garment while folding laundry)

Mike: “What do you call these?”

Jackie: “Pants.”

Mike: “I do a pretty good Brando, doncha think?”

Jackie: “You don’t do a terrible Brando.”

Mike: “I don’t want any donuts.”

Jackie: “Those are words I have never heard you say.”

(interrupting the stream w/an ice cube tray while she’s filling a water bottle)

Mike: “That’s called efficiency.”

Jackie: “No, that’s called half-assing the ice cubes.”

(watching the Royals)

Mike: “’Member when we had Jorge Soler, and that year he hit like 57-thousand home runs?”

Jackie: “Yeah, that 56,999th one was memorable.”

(moving)

Jackie: “You already packed my jewelry. I don’t even have a watch!”

Mike: “Could be worse. Could have no underwear.”

Jackie: “Yeah, I had to dig those out of a box.”

(sneaker blowout)

Mike: “Are we VIP’s, or have some sort of discount with Dick’s Sporting Goods, or am I just a regular schmo?”

Jackie: “Schmo. We have rewards, though.”

Mike: “ETA?”

Jackie: “5 p.m., in a Blue Key advising meeting.”

Mike: “Dispense some good advice.”

Mike: “I must not have been listening.”

Jackie: “Shocking.”

Jackie: “I’ll think about it tomorrow.”

Mike: “You and Scarlett O’Hara.”